Rumble young man rumble

Winter is my favourite month, and I use the term “favourite” very lightly.

Closer to a soft version of dreaded.

Let’s run through the facts, shall we?

Ottawa’s winter is characterized by four attributes: it’s cold, wet, windy and dark.

The season’s only saving grace is . . . scratch that. It sucks.

Not even Bill Waterson’s comic creation Calvin from the Calvin and Hobbes comix can bring me around, though I do love the cartoons centred around his orange-haired creation building unusual snowmen - remember the one with a snow monster chasing pint-sized snowmen?

Even worse than winter is people who pretend to love the season: the “It’s snowing! C’mon gang let’s run outside and frolic in the slush and road salt until our faces turn blue and we catch a head cold!” variety.

Listen, don’t listen to what your I AM CANADIAN friends tell you, winter is a very dangerous animal that should be put in a cage as soon as possible — it is a season best enjoyed from the comfortable climes of the Carribean or the Fiji’s.

O.K. I admit it, I do like ice skating, tobogganing and snowball fights. But I reserve the right to complain about the cold, the ice, the wind and the slush.

Another regrettable attribute of winter is shorter days — you wake up, it’s dark, you leave work it’s dark. Time seems to fly when you’re not having fun.

Which brings me to the topic of cacti (I looked it up, apparently the word is plural for cactus.)

You know what sucks almost as much as winter?

Accidentally knocking over a cactus.

Dirt all over the place, you hurt your hand on the needles, and suddenly your a plant bully.

Avatar is the dirtiest word in the dictionary.

The word Indesign used to hold that particular honour, but avatar has nosed its way to the lead.

For some reason — my co-workers tell me its because I’m a technomoron, whatever that means — I can’t change my avatar on my blog.

This means when I make comments on other peoples blogs, my old avatar is used.

Well, I want to use my new avatar — I’ve phoned friends, consulted manuals and searched the web for help — to no avail.

WordPress should have a section under ‘Edit Profile’ that asks: “What do you want to use as your default avatar?” and a little blinking box that says: “This is your new default avatar. No really, I’m not kidding, check it out.

Avatar, you’ve earned a place on the Top-100 things that drive me nuts list.

Take a bow.

Everyone needs a nemesis.

Batman has Joker. Superman has Lex Luthor. The L.A. Lakers have the Boston Celtics . . . you get the picture.

Nemeses are especially important in pro sports.

The Ottawa Senators evil dance partner happens to be the Toronto Maple Leafs.

But this town needs a new nemesis — let’s face it, the Leafs are boring and bad, and most likely will continue that trend as they completely retool their team over the coming years.

Post-season matchups are unlikely and games during the regular season have lost their oomph.

Which brings me to my point — this town needs a new enemy.

May I present for your consideration: the Montreal Canadiens.

The Habs fill many of the improtant criteria of a good nemesis — they play in the same division, they actually have a shot at making the playoffs, and their fans are extremely annoying.

I know, the players aren’t exactly the sandpaper variety that rubs Sens fans the wrong way in the vein of a Darcy Tucker or Tie Domi.

But if you’re looking for a team with annoyingly ardent fans, the Habs fit the bill.

It doesn’t matter how many times they miss the playoffs or fall into last place in the NHL. a Habs fan is always ready to bend your ear and wax on about the glory years of the bleu et blanc.

Their sentences are often peppered with the names Guy Lafleur, Larry Robinson, Maurice Richard and a host of other members of that famed Pantheon of Le Glorieux.

Example:

Normal fan: “I saw the Montreal Boston game last night. The Habs really got pumeled, eh?”

Habs fan textbook response: “Maurice Richard is a HOCKEY GOD.”

Normal fan: “Sure . . . but what about that game last night? Your team is now in last place in the NHL.”

Habs fan: “Lafleur won the Stanley Cup MANY MANY TIMES.”

Normal fan: “OK then.”

Hordes of Habs fans invade our rink at Scotiabank Place every time the Canadiens come to town — booing our players and cheering for their team, even if they are down several goals, as they often were over the past three years.

Forget Leaf Nation.

Public enemy number one should now be Canadiens Country — or whatever they call themselves.

It doesn’t matter that they aren’t a dominant team.

Their ability to annoy is simply outstanding.

When Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson smashed his stick, breaking a pane of glass at Scotiabank Place during a practice last week it was a sound heard throughout the hockey community.

The incident provided fitting punctuation — namely an exclamation mark of frustration — to the Sens steady drop to the bottom of the eastern conference standings.

Thursday night’s game versus the worst-team in the NHL, the lowly New York Islanders was supposed to change all that.

After they were stomped 4-0 by the Montreal Candiens on Tuesday, the Sens were supposedly ramped-up to rip apart the Isles.

This was a statement game.

Well, they certainly made a statement, losing 3-1 in an uninspired and frankly embarrassing match. They ended the game with a six-on-three advantage, by virtue of a five-minute major given to Thomas Pock, who was ejected for elbowing call-up Ryan Shannon in the head and a pulled goaltender.

The Sens came up empty and struggled to even put the puck on the net.

The players left the ice to a chorus of well-deserved boos.

Sens fans are going to have to face reality.

This year’s team is no longer the Beasts of the East; the post-lockout exodus of players has finally caught up with the team, who over the past five years has lost Martin Havlat, Zdeno Chara, Wade Redden, Andrej Meszaros Cory Stillman, Mike Comrie — the list goes on, and is the unavoidable result of a salary-capped NHL.

Our goaltending is weak, with the perennial unconfident and often spooked-looking Gerber struggling to keep the puck out of the net season after season — thank Gar GM Bryan Murray signed Alex Auld as a backup this year.

Ottawa’s defense is the team’s biggest weakness — Chris Phillips and Anton Volchenkov are reliable blueliners, but the team doesn’t have good puck-moving defenceman to feed the forwards on the rush. Alex Picard and Brian Lee are shaky at best defenders and Jason Smith and Christoph Schubert just aren’t top-four defenceman material. That leaves us with Filip Kuba — he’ll put up some points, but he has a problem with making physical contact with other players — namely he doesn’t like to check.

Moving on to offense, Ottawa is basically a one-line team: Alfredsson, Jason Spezza and Heatley — superstar material for sure, but what else is in the Sens pantry.

The other three lines either can’t or won’t score, making it easy for teams to zero in on the Spezza line and shut down the Sens offense.

Head coach Craig Hartsburg is desperately trying to “wake up” his players.

The Sens woes are more than just an attitude problem.

This is a job for Bryan Murray: to make the playoffs the Sens needs to trade for a puck-moving defenceman, a top-four forward and acquire a reliable goaltender.

That’s just to make the  playoffs.

The other option is to blow up the team.

Trade Spezza, Vermette, Gerber, (if anyone will take him) and a few others for picks and prospects and prepare for next year’s draft.

The salary cap will likely drop next year as a result of the economic breakdown in the U.S. — we’ll need to drop some salary anyway.

Bryan Murray will likely watch and wait before he starts from scratch.